Reflecting on how the will of Jesus is at the heart of his disciple, (“If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me!””) I see once again how I’ve always been intrigued by the interplay between God’s will and my own.

– Should I strive to do God’s will alone? If so, to what extent? Is his will meant to annihilate my will, even in humble obedience? Does his will extend to what kind of butter to add to my bread or is it limited to serving others when the need spontaneously calls?
– Is God’s will fixed or does it have a dynamic interplay with my own freedom?
– Perhaps God’s will is something you suffer, more than enact.

Just asking myself these questions out loud brings an answer of peace: yes, to all my questions.
Discernment is important, crucial, even.
But the passage of following Jesus (Jn 21,15-24]] ) is said in the context of loving Jesus,  not in one of compliance or emulation. Three times the Lord asks Peter if he love’s him. Three times the Lord emphasizes what must be the focus of the disciple. Only then, does He command to the one that has already been following to follow Him.
After the Lord asserts that it is His will that sustains life in his disciples, his command is not to  do my will. His command is follow me.

Do you agape me more than these?
Do you agape me more than these?
Do you phileo me more than these?
Another will gird and take you where you do not want to go – do not resist his will
Follow me!
If it is my will he remain until I come, what is that to you?
Follow me!

Three elements: Love Jesus, be sustained by his will, follow him.

It’s essential to know the heart of Jesus before obedience comes to play, to know the heart of the lawgiver before the law. THAT’s why he asks Peter whether he loves Him before he calls him to feed His flock, to stretch his hands, and to follow His will.

This passage speaks of the the interplay in the heart of the disciple of one’s personal will and the will of his Lord. It almost seems like the will of his Master will be done regardless. Christ seems to only ask that Peter follow with his heart.

Let’s talk about what following with one’s heart mean, let’s talk about love.

Love begins and grows with an act of faith in the goodness of the other’s existence. Love for Christ involves a commitment to the goodness of the person of Jesus and the goodness of His Will in my life.
Celibacy grows in the context of this conviction of Christ’s goodness and extends to the goodness of my own flesh, and even the goodness of my struggle and the goodness of experiencing myself as as a sexual being.
But, how does faith in the goodness of someone grow? How does love grow? How does love for Christ, love fore His will, love for my own flesh, and love for my struggle grow? Quite simply through constant contemplation we arrive to the ‘goodness’ of something, as the creation story in Genesis says.

The “flesh” is not something I have to put with as physical creature, rather “the flesh is the hinge of salvation,” as Tertulian would say. If my gaze is fixed on my Lord, my sexual experience and sexual desire is a way of loving him. If I focus on the moral imperative, the psychological resolve, or pride, then, in seeking my life, I have already lost it.

There is not a soul that can at all procure salvation, except it believe whilst it is in the flesh, so true is it that the flesh is the very condition on which salvation hinges. And since the soul is, in consequence of its salvation, chosen to the service of God, it is the flesh which actually renders it capable of such service. – Tertulian.

Perhaps love is as much a matter of attention (keeping my gaze in Christ asking me “Do you love me more than you love these?”) as much as it is an action (“then, follow me!”).
Could temptation be that moment of Jesus asking me, “Do you love me more than you love this?” – I could only find the strength, like Peter, to answer his question as I look into his eyes, as I keep my attention in the goodness and beauty of the One asking. He is there. Within me. Suffering with me.

It is essential that love be the motor to celibacy.

So if, by love and right living, you wash off the filth that has become stuck to your heart, the divine beauty will shine forth in you. Think of iron, which at one moment is dark and tarnished and the next, once the rust has been scraped off, shines and glistens brightly in the sun. It is the same with the inner core of man, which the Lord calls the heart.It has been in damp and foul places and is covered in patches of rust; but once the rust has been scraped off, it will recover itself and once more resemble its archetype. And so it will be good, since what resembles the good must be good itself.

Therefore, whoever looks at himself sees in himself what he desires. And whoever is pure in heart is blessed because, seeing his own purity, he sees the archetype reflected in the image. If you see the sun in a mirror then you are not looking directly at the sky, but still you are seeing the sun just as much as someone who looks directly at it. In the same way, the Lord is saying, although you do not have the strength to withstand the direct sight of the great and inaccessible light of God, if you look within yourselves once you have returned to the grace of the image that was placed in you from the beginning, you will find in yourselves all that you seek. – homily on the Beatitudes by St Gregory of Nyssa

Is celibacy a gift or a practice?

Mt 19:12 teaches that some are *born* eunuchs, others are *made* so, and still others *choose* to live as such for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Sexuality has always played a powerful role in my life. I have approached this mystery at times with disgust in my childhood, at others with obsession in my teenage years, later with fear of bondage and despair. And, of course, as a Millennial, with the Internet. Always. The Internet.
I was exposed to sexual images in Middle School and, since then, I’ve been hooked – my drug of choice. Throughout the years, I’ve moved through different genres and media: from pictures and videos to webcams.

Now, sexual desire for me has also always been a deeply spiritual force, one that has, of course, related to sin, but also with spiritual ecstasy. The idea of celibacy started appealing to me. I knew that sex could not satisfy the deepest cravings of my sexual desires. I read the mystics. And I envied them.

I believe that celibacy is a practice. And I believe that it’s also the most sexually rewarding way to live one’s spiritual life. But I have also been in sexual bondage for the most part of my life.

With this series I would like to accomplish one thing: to focus my attention on the practice of celibacy in my daily life., i.e., how I choose to live this life, in the hopes that the Giver of All Gifts will, in his heart, bless me with this gift. Just like a marriage requires special attentions for healthy communication, expression of affections, education of children, and moments of grief and healing; likewise, I believe that a life of celibacy also requires deliberate attention, especially in these times of technocracy and self-referential nihilism.

For the above reasons, I will write one blog entry a day for the next six months. I will write daily posts in the form of a reflection of the day and a weekly post as a reflection on concepts that I can apply to my life of celibacy.